WARNING: Some whining, bitching and complaining ahead!
Let me start this post by saying this: I am very thankful to be pregnant! And I know how very blessed I am to be pregnant! And I realize that many changes are on their way, body and non-body! I already am completely in love with this child and absolutely can't wait to hold he/she in my arms and spoil he/she rotten and love on them like crazy!!! CAN NOT WAIT!
But, I am not loving my body these days! Most of you are familiar with my weight gain after marriage and then my tough journey to lose it! I worked my butt off and sacrificed so much to lose that 24 pounds and I really had this serious sense of accomplishment. I finally did what I had been needing to do for years. I changed my lifestyle of eating! Almost two months after reaching that goal, Hubs and I began trying for a little one. And our first try was a wonderful/miraculous one! At the end of January, I found out I was pregnant. Now let me also say, I lost that weight for a few reasons:
1. To be a healthier me!
2. So I wouldn't have it to lose it AFTER I got pregnant. I could just focus on losing baby weight not all the extra!
3. So that I felt good about myself again when looking in the mirror or putting on a bikini!
Well, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I said (and I quote) "I am not going wild and eating anything in sight. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I have to eat more (yet) and it doesn't give me the right/excuse to eat whatever I want!" Well ladies, I am here to admit today that I did just the opposite of what I said for about the last 8 weeks! I haven't completely blown it every single day! But you see, it's hard for me because I am not a healthy eater by nature. I don't LOVE veggies! I don't LOVE meat! I LOVE pizza, pasta, Mexican food and not so good for you food! And because I did this, I have gained 15 pounds in 15.5 weeks of pregnancy! Some have said, "Oh that's not bad Lynds." To me: IT'S DISGUSTING! Because I am 15.5 weeks, I don't really look pregnant, I look like I have gained 15 unanswered pounds! And I am miserable!
I have always had a self image problem. I have yo yo dieted my whole life! People keep reminding me (like I don't know ) "You are pregnant! Your body is going through so many changes! You are going to gain weight girl! Accept it." Ok, I have accepted that I will gain weight, but how much I gain is up to me! And I really let myself down these first 15 weeks. I know that now is not the time to lose weight and I am certainly NOT trying to do that, I am just trying to cope with how my body is changing and I needed an outlet to let it all out (thanks for listening girls)!
For once in my life, I can't push myself to the almost dying point at the gym. I am not a gym wuss! I workout HARD! I mean "legs are going to break" hard! And I can't do that now. I have also always gone to the gym to make myself skinner not healthier (sad to admit, but it's true and I am being honest here) So I feel like I am working out for nothing! I know I am working out for many great reasons but when I can't push myself to almost exhaustion, I feel like it's worthless! And with our move into the new house and anniversary trip, I skipped 3 weeks of working out! But no worries, I am back on the running/walking and body pumping bandwagon! Don't worry, it's all been ok-ed by my Dr.
I feel like I am so different in this weight gain so early because I had NO morning sickness! Not one single time! Which I am thankful for. So many girls I know that are (or were) pregnant had it and they even lost weight their first trimester! I am not envious of their puking but I am envious of their lack of weight gain the 1st trimester! As selfish and horrible as that sounds it's true!
My friends that read this know the issues I have always had with my body! Since middle school. I wish it weren't that way, but it's who I am! I keep reminding myself, I got it off once, and I can do it again! But it scares me that I might not get back to where I was, and where I was, was HAPPY! Finally happy with the way I looked.
Some people say things like "Oh I love my stretch marks, they remind me of the wonderful experience I went through to bring this child into this world!" I think it's wonderful to think that way! I wish I could, but I can't!! I will curse those things if I get them and I won't want them there! I will probably cry over them! I had one friend say "Oh my wife gained 35 lbs and she hasn't lost it all and I don't care if she ever does and she doesn't either!" First of all, neither of them are gym rats like Hubs and I! And they have never HAD to watch their weight and struggle the way I have! If I don't lose all the weight, I do think I will care (quite a bit)! I honestly am more worried about my "body changing forever" (I have heard this so many times) than I am about the actual weight gain! I can handle it for 9 months to a year, but I don't know about forever!
Do let me say, some people have said "Take what your mom gained and that is probably what you will do!" Well my mom GAINED 85 POUNDS WITH ME! Now, let me also say my mom is very tall like me (5'9"). She was like a size 2 or 4 when she had me. I mean skinny as a rail! And after she had me until I was in middle/high school she was really skinny! So I say to myself "If mom can gain 85 and lost most all of it, I can gain 40 and lose all of it!"
I realize this post makes me sound so self obsessed and selfish! I am likely to receive some negative comments over it. But please understand, I know the experience I am going through is one that not every woman gets the blessing of going through. And I know how lucky I am! I thank God that I am able to carry this child and go through this wonderful experience! I am just trying to cope and trying to deal with these changes the best I know how! If I gain 100 lbs I know that it will be worth it once I hold my sweet angel in my arms. But until then, I am likely to be self conscious about these changes! But I am trying hard to love and embrace them no matter what!
Everyone has their own personal struggles. This is mine! It's a tough one to deal with!
Also, for those of you who don't mind sharing! I am just interested to know: (if you would rather email me, that is perfectly fine. I am open to any and all advice!)
How much weight you gained (or have gained) during pregnancy?
How much did you lose after?
Was it easy or hard?
How did you do it?
Are you ok with the fact that you did/didn't lose it all?
I promise not to judge! I am just curious! :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
WARNING: Some whining, bitching and complaining ahead!